Catch the hobbit
Ok Cullum it’s show down time. And I recognise that I’m not going to win unless I deal with any accusations of jealousy at the fact that you have made millions no doubt, have a rather gorgeous woman hanging on to your arm (no matter that your arm has to be above your head height for her to do so), you get to tour the world, and that you are clearly handy with your fingers.
We’ll come back to that.
It’s the exuberance. It’s just not British. And in fact, it makes me suspicious. All that piano slapping nonsense, woo hoo! You seem to have a family of ferrets down your trousers too. It’s times like this I wish I were a Yorkshireman. I’m certainly not Geoffrey Boycott’s number one fan but I bet he has the put-down I’m looking for.
Music. All those dischords and effortless augmented 7ths. Or did you just hit the wrong note? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWTEfhhZXK4
It also seems to me God was having an off day when dishing out the talent. His mind was elsewhere (possibly dealing with the John Squire related fall out from the resurrection). He was meant to give you some pointy ears and the guy behind you was supposed to get the voice. Instead, you got it and as though you couldn’t believe your luck, you’ve been hopping around every since.
I wonder sometimes if I am being a bit harsh, that maybe it’s my aversion to Jazz and Swing and the people that get excited about it. But really, watching you perform even just on YouTube is unbearable. There’s enough slapping going on to concern even Max Moseley (allegedly).
Thinking about it, I’ve not heard a peep from you in a while. Lets keep it that way eh? Lovely.
Caught out there – The Seahorses
If I were a full time musician, and had conquered the world with a blinding debut album, but had seen others misunderstand my genius then, upon starting up a new band I’d be out to prove people wrong. Instead John Squire of Stone Roses fame hooked up with a busker and two other non-descripts (one who had a very dodgy goatee) and formed The Seahorses. It was promising initially, a bit of support from Noel who penned his own track (Love me and Leave me) and even toured with them, trademark wizardry on the guitar from Squire…but actually, a couple of songs aside you had to be the most dogged of Squire fans to hang on to this lot.
For those of you who like the Stone Roses I know you fall into one of two camps. You’re a purist or a realist. Half way through ‘I Am The Resurrection’ the song effectively ends, there’s a pause and then John Squire gets all fancy with a 5 minute guitar solo. Purists get all indignant when an indie club/radio station stops the song halfway through. Realists walk when they don’t. Not sure where you stand? Imagine watching the real resurrection. I mean, that’s going to be some event. Now imagine people banging on about it for the next 2000 years. That’ll be the guitar solo.
The Seahorses see Squire continue his preaching, except now the congregation is dwindling.
There was, however, one good indie ballad, written ironically by the busker. Blinded by the Sun. For a chance to believe again, the whole album is here.
http://www.last.fm/music/The+Seahorses
Verdict: Smart money was always on Ian Brown
Guilty parties – hmmm, only me? I reckon Vicki W, Si, Andy T and secretly, Russ
Recommended for:
Nick – despite all the above you can always improve on Jamiroquai.
Beccy – the Busker has a solo slot at LSS
Steer clear:
Donald – the unnecessary warbling and guitar nonsense will wind you up no end
Its not all about me
I’ve added links to some great websites when you’ve had your music fill. Check out the links on the right under blogroll for cutting edge photography, reviews of fine wines, a glimpse of China and my sister’s travels across the world.
Jamiroquai
It’s quite an achievement to make jazz sound more pretentious.
I had a crush on a girl once. She came to my 6th form, from a different school, liked indie music, but her boyfriend at the 6th form college up the road (the one where you needed all A’s to get in), loved this new acid jazz band Jamiroquai. She was dating the cool guy in town, I must have been the geek. The lead singer could dance and the music was just, well, funky. Hold on, no he couldn’t and no, it wasn’t.
The thing about bad jazz is that it takes the same series of chords and improvises around them without actually getting anywhere. Musically, it goes round and round and round. Bad acid jazz does that on speed with a bloody ridiculous hat as a bonus. Jamiroquai managed that for fourteen years. Let me repeat that. Four-teen years! That’s one hell of a bad trip.
Its almost as if the dancing and the hat were a deliberate distraction, to divert you from your realisation that the tune was a rehash of the last single. Although other bands are guilty (step forward Chilli Peppers), Jamiroquai just aren’t apologetic enough to try alternatives. Which speaks volumes of those willing to fork out for another album.
As for the lead singer. Well, they say a sports car is just a symbolic extension of a man’s personals. Jay Kay, it seems, needs a fleet. And on reading this, it seems he has found someone to hold it too http://funkin.com/the_band/cars/
It boils down to this. Anyone, with any sense, knew from the start they were overblown, unecessary, arrogant peddlers of tripe, led by a guy apparently so far up his own arse that he had to find crazy hats to hide the evidence. And fourteen years on I’ve no reason to change that view.
Everyone currently loves Jay Z. Oh, Jay Kay, so close yet so far.
Scouting for girls: she’s so lover-ly
Something disturbing has been happening in recent months. A steady trickle of bands has emerged with an image loosely themed around being the nice boy you can take home to meet the parents. Is this some sudden cultural backlash to the recent heady mix of misogynistic rap lyrics, EMO suicide baiting and the antics of indie darlings Amy, Pete and um, Peaches (the Geldof variety)? I don’t know, but strangely there seems to be about one band for every David Cameron empathy speech.
I want to keep this post short, because I find these bands so so upsetting that ironically, i may need to turn to drugs and violence. I’m not going to spare the Hoosiers, One Night Only or The Feeling, but for now I’ll start with this one song, and i may just have to revisit the others in short bursts because, kids, we can’t get complacent.
Scouting for Girls appear to have difficulty with basic language skills. They wouldn’t last 2 minutes amongst northerners (where’s the ‘er’ in lovely?). And apparently their name is a play on words from the original Scouting for Boys handbook. Not so much a play, more infant school nativity.
They must have thought they were on a roll and came up with the rhyming genius that is “she’s pretty, a fitty” followed soon after by ” A stunner, I want her, was she this fit when she was ten years younger”
I haven’t time to tear into all the lyrics, so here in all their glory are the musings of Scouting for Girls:
http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/scouting_for_girls_lyrics_8995/scouting_for_girls_lyrics_29337/shes_so_lovely_lyrics_499200.html
Back to the ‘nice’ theme, The full extent of their lyrical risk-taking is fancying a girl who may be a bit older. But check out the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X95ycVOPcP8) and the line about wishing she was 10 years younger suddenly sounds more sinister.
The case for the defence? Some of the insightful customers of Amazon claim they are fun, and what’s wrong with a fun music, happy music? In my correct opinion, that’s what cheese is for. I always found James W and his love of cheese beyond anyone else disturbing, yet he has persevered with me, making me CDs with the same pride as the best indie mix tape.
And in honour of his passion for the cause I’ll leave you with some cheese, just to prove that fun does not equate to a thoughtless basic assault on intellect. It’s a song about a man struggling with the adult dilemma of how to leave a girl but not hurt her in the process. Whilst being buried up to his neck in sand. Enjoy!
Neon Neon
I would normally put this under Hypewatch. But the thing with Gruff Rhys and any project he turns his hand to, is that he never gets overly hyped, yet not a single review can find fault in his work. He is simply a music genius, with a very geeky Welsh voice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4lZqDmCO9c
Fans of all things super, furry and animal-like will not be surprised to hear that the boy has gone all 80’s and electronic, or that there’s a drop of hip hop in this project. You’re not going to put this pigeon in a hole.
Here’s their best tune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vJi1fmdYbg&feature=related
And unlike the numpty charged with the eventual naming of Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong, the name captures the essence of the music.
Recommended for:
Sarah T – I’m cheating, I’ve previously convinced you about this lot
Justin – If the Pet Shop Boys were a bit more alternative, this is what you may get
Sarah L – It’s not that he’s Welsh, its that he’s God.
Ben – He’s Welsh
Vicki HF – Swindon’s close to Wales…
Russ S – You may appreciate the film homage to Back to the Future
Hypewatch – Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong
No one likes a smart arse.
Joe Lean? That’s not clever even in music circles.
And the Jing Jang Jong just sounds racist.
Boys, you have a hell of a challenge to get back some credibility so your tunes better be flawless…wait, come back, where are you going, oh, a flaw you say?
I admit, I’ve not given much time over to these guys to fully critique their music, but to be honest with such an appalling name they’re lucky to have got a record deal. Their PR person has certainly earned his/her bonus this year.
Hypewatch – Ida Maria
Now, I was there before Steve Lamacq. So were Dave, Jimmy, Beth and Claire at a dingy Borderline gig.
Most of us are departing more quickly than him too. That’s the thing about hype, you find it you shout about it because you beat other people to a band but then you realise the error of your ways. Now in this instance I was simply testing opinion and reserve the right to say i was never a fan.
is she good? If you sing about Stella you raise expectations. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zd1vZv6j27s&NR=1
And to be honest the line “i wanna give you the world if you just stay with me tonight” is something you say after, rather than to Stella.
Its also quite an achievement to sing the line “I like you so much better when you’re naked” in a way that actually makes you want to run away fully clothed as fast as possible holding on to your delicates for added protection. Because it’s not like she’s not got pop appeal, but she scares me when she sings. Slipknot don’t scare me, masks and all, but she does. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cySmUjQB05I&NR=1
Verdict: Only if you dare
Caught out there – The Levellers
Second in the series, and this may cause a stir. I’ve not hugged any trees. I’ve not protested against a by-pass (despite my career choice). I don’t smell (well, not yet but my stance against Daniel Powter may change that).
The Levellers don’t really split opinions because no-one likes them. At least, not now. But we did. If you were 16 when Levelling the Land was released, then hearing the words “there’s only one way of life and that’s your own” may have had a teeny bit of meaning to you. You are a grown up after all and no-one should be telling you what to do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XScq7NLRnYU
Coming from Cambridge, with the Folk Festival and all, the Levellers probably have a natural home so school friends and i can be excused. But now, can i look back with pride? Well, no. The fiddle sounds wrong on so many levels.
And they’re not misunderstood. People understand them perfectly well and still shout explitives.
But you can’t keep shaggy dogs down and a few years back they cleaned up their media image and hit us with a more slick production with what on the surface is a happy song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36gW-IPV0aA&feature=related
Lets be honest though, their reputation cannot be altered, so back to the nostalgia approach – for those who indulged in Levelling the Land, it’s time to cringe:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyXN8G–MPM&feature=related
So the verdict is that you really can’t take pride here, keep this lot at the back of your CD collection and give the dust a home.
Not that that’ll stop them. They’ve got a new album…
http://www.myspace.com/levellers
Guilt trippers:
All the Cambridge lads – no you can’t blame the cider/Mad Dog 20 20/cans of lager in the car park before Feet First.
Innocent guv
Matt Christie – Last time I went to Newcastle, glam rock was still the sound/look to have – I can’t imagine Brighton-based fake Irish folk cut the mustard
Donald – Sympathy for the cause, or all a bit unecessary and inappropriate? I’m plumping for the latter
Anna sis – cos you’re far too cool for this
Trot on
Running. You either do or you don’t.
The gym. Most people have tried and now don’t, but you’ll break again after Christmas.
Why, in all gyms, without exception, is the music relentless techno techno techno? I know it takes a certain breed to be gym bunny/muscle moron, but why should the rest of us have to endure such an evil workout for the ears when we’re already punishing other parts?
There are two ways to deal with this – bring your ipod or plug into the TV channels (yes, I know you simply can’t miss Richard and Judy and that to put it on at home would risk the ridicule of your flatmates/significant other/cat. Don’t worry, know one else in the gym cares, and they’re probably thinking how sweaty you look).
Although i’m not one to miss a book club moment, it’s the ipod for me, but it gets in the way, all those headphone wires. Why can’t we have an indie gym?
‘But you can’t run to guitar music’ I hear you cry…Ha! yes, you can, and you’ll damn well get out and pound the streets until you agree with me.
You have to choose wisely, admittedly, but if you get it on the money then you too can enter a race with excitement. Time to lose the fear of the crowd (they may shout “keep going, you can do it”, but really they’re thinking “wouldn’t do that if I were you, not with that body” – it’s puppy fat you judgemental bastards).
But where to start? Well, this one’s for everyone no matter how fast or slow you want to go. Step up Mr P. Doherty and pals the Little ‘Ans
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLkTCkwpgY8
Of all the people eh – if nothing else motivates you to keep going, just think, you could follow his example instead
But what if you want to up the pace, get those legs pumping. Techno techno techno? Don’t you dare! Instead, may I introduce a rather odd looking quartet and one of their more popular tunes. Queens of the Stone Age:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lliA2Av8dd8
Enough aggression to bring out the intensity of a lung-burster, and a Dave Grohl-inspired beat to drive you to the finishing line. Too heavy? Then try Sunderland’s finest (Mr Keane excepted), the Futureheads. Hugely under-rated pop talent, but with this gem on repeat you can finally make that pesky Duracell Bunny eat your dust. Take that you smug furry freak.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PYgCN2kIsg
But there is one very surprising song that stopped me collapsing at about the 5k mark on Sunday as i tore round Hyde Park (BUPA people, where oh where was the water at this stage? The Serpantine was mocking me ‘you want me but you can’t have me…’). Oh Kate Nash, you came good once again. One of the treats of Leicester Summer Sundae, I also saw Ms Nash in Surrey – a great birthday pressie from workmates but the crowd, they just didn’t appreciate you. But I do, and it was as if you were my personal saviour, whispering ignore the pain, keep going…thank you Nash, and yes, you can eat all the lemons you like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orACIBjHuI4
Recommended for
Brendan – I can imagine you ranting in the gym at yet another techno tune, or a bad book choice by R & J. Try this instead!
Kris – You’ve had it too good for too long – a 5 minute walk to work since you were 18. You have a lot of catching up to do boy!
Claire – In case you come out of running retirement
Steer clear
Loren – I can’t see you being motivated by anything other than Republica, and anyway can’t have you running faster than me.
